Tonys Newsletter

You awakened me with a kiss.But I couldn’t see you when I opened my eyes. In the darkness all that remained was the lingering memory of your touch. I remembered drifting deep into sleep. For years it seemed that I slept, never even stirring, and now that I was awake I was afraid that the slightest movement might plunge me back into that dark abyss. I curled deep within myself, not daring to sleep or awaken.After a while you kissed my heart again, and a tiny ray of light pierced it. Oh, what sweet agony! It was there for an instant, then gone. I uncurled just a tiny bit.Darkness surrounded me, yet not purely dark. Tiny sparkles danced through my vision: blue, gold, white. A blue sparkle stopped before my eyes. It gave off a friendly glow as if it and I knew each other and were meeting once again after a long time apart. Slowly it enlarged and enveloped me like a soft warm shawl, comforting, supporting, protecting, loving. I felt complete and oh so loved. I relaxed into it, wanting to stay forever. Gradually, though, the glow faded and one by one the sparkles winked out. Now I was alone again, the darkness absolute. Should I be afraid?Somehow I felt no need for fear, only a gnawing emptiness in my heart, longing for the comforting warmth of that blue spark. Would it come back? Would I find it if I searched? If I called, would it come back? How should I call to call?I reached out in front of me: nothing. Up: empty space. My feet rested on a smooth solid surface, so I stepped forward and reached out again: nothing. Another step, arms outstretched. A wall! Which way to turn? I reached both ways as far as I could. My fingertips felt only featureless smooth wall. I turned left, following my fingers along the wall.Ouch! My fingers jammed into a solid obstacle. I jerked away, cradling my hand against my body until the pain stopped. Then I reached out again, exploring. What I found was a slightly raised vertical surface a hand length wide, extending from the floor up as far as I could reach. My fingers moved across it to a slightly rougher surface 3 paces wide, then another hand-wide slightly raised strip. A door?My fingers searched for a knob or latch – there! I twisted and pushed with all my might: nothing. I twisted it the other way and pushed again. Then I slammed it with my shoulder: nothing.A soft whisper echoed in my mind, “Try pulling.” I twisted the knob and pulled with all my might – and fell backwards as the door swung easily on its hinges, revealing a dimly lit room. I scrambled to my knees and scuttled through the doorway, fearful that it might swing shut and lock me in the darkness.I stood up and looked around. The door I’d come through remained open, but the light was too dim to discern any details. So I walked along the wall, exploring the room. It was tiny, with a low ceiling just above my head and a small door midway along the last wall. Wiser now, I pushed gently, and then pulled. Like the first door, this one opened inward and I entered another small room that was not quite so dill.I stood still and looked around but could not see another door. If only there was a window to let in some light, then maybe I could see better, I thought.As the memory of a cheerful window filled my mind’s eye, the room suddenly brightened. What happened?I turned and saw a window where a moment ago there was only a blank wall. The sunbeam framed by checkered curtains fluttering in a soft breeze, was an exact copy of my memory. The sunbeam cast a slight shadow on the opposite wall, so I went to look. My fingers found a barely raised door frame and a smooth door that did not yield to a push. I thought back to the door that let me into this room, remembering the location of the knob and how it felt under my hand. Unconsciously my hand followed my memory and curled around the knob. What knob? How could I have missed seeing it?No matter. I tugged gently and the door opened. I expected breezy sunshine, but I looked into a featureless room, slightly bigger than the one I was in. Now what? A dead end?I turned around, letting go of the door. The door swung shut and the window disappeared. I leaned against the wall in the dimness, disappointed and discouraged. I remembered how the sunlight had poured through the window, and wished it was still here. My mind filled with the picture of the window, with its  cheerful curtains and sunbeam… and the room brightened. I looked up: the window was back!The sunbeam illuminated the tiny rise of the door frame, so I pushed away from the wall and walked back to the door. Again my hands explored the smooth surface. How could the knob have disappeared? Wait a minute: there was no knob at first. How did I find it? My memory traced back to the door and how my fingers found the knob. Without thinking, my fingers reached for the knob – and curled around it. How interesting!I pulled the door open and walked into the still-featureless room. Would this one work like the last, with mind-pictures becoming real? Only one way to find out: I pictured the window from the last room. Nothing happened. Why?I thought back to my original memory with its cheerful feeling of looking out into a lovely morning. The cheerful feeling… was feeling the key? Another scene popped into my mind, of a night sky bright with stars and moonlight, and a feeling of wonder as I gazed into that sky. Before my eyes a dark rectangle appeared on the wall, filled with my remembered stars and moon.Moonlight made a path across the floor and onto the opposite wall. I walked over and felt for a door, but found nothing. Back to memory: how did that last door feel under my fingertips? Feel it, imagine it… Oh, my goodness! A door!Gripped now by excitement, I felt for a knob, fingers searching, searching. Wait! Remember how a doorknob feels as my fingers grasp it… Oh! It worked!I twisted the knob and pulled. This door opened into a spacious bright room. I stepped inside and saw you.I knew you. I’d known you forever it seemed, although I couldn’t think of your name.“I knew you would find me,” you said, your words echoing with silvery music.I gazed deep into your eyes, dark pools reflecting the light of a million stars. I felt as if I was swimming in a sea of starlight, sparkling foam illuminating the waves… warm, comforting, protecting, loving. “Oh, my beloved!” I breathed, “You are my world!”

         By Jane Hocking